Meandering Moose

Grief Comes in Waves

Grief is not something I was familiar with. It has been some time since I lost a family member. My dad passed away the day I started writing this post. Naturally, I cried when I heard that my dad had passed away. Then I seemed okay, but I wasn’t. I knew I wasn’t. My dad will be greatly missed! He was a treasure to be sure.

That day and since, the grief came over me in waves. One minute I’m “fine”, then I have water running down my face or I’m sobbing uncontrollably. By “fine” I mean the Italian Job definition – “freaked out, insecure, neurotic and emotional”. That’s not usually like me. Although my girls and grandkids have brought out more emotions in me.

The grief waves are not all the same. Some waves are BIG and wash right over my head. Like being totally swamped and gasping for air. This was the initial reaction when I heard the news that my dad had passed. Even though it was expected, it hit me quite hard. Some waves are smaller and seem break at my knees. I had one like this in the middle of the night when I realized I’m now the oldest man in my family. Sometimes, I’m sitting quietly, minding my own business, and a tear slides down my cheek and lands on my shirt.

I’m going to add details of some of the waves as they wash over me.

Another time, someone gives me their condolences and my heart stops and my throat closes.
Singing an old hymn in church and picturing dad singing in the choir in Cooksville.
Watching a movie where a key character gives a memorial to his dad who had recently passed away.
The hymn at church this morning. I don’t plan to stop going.
When I needed to ask dad about someone in the family tree.
Watching a Hallmark movie of all things.
When I discovered a new family connection in Australia that I wanted to share with him.
More to come…

I did some reading online and here are some of the interesting things I discovered.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” Vicki Harrison

“As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything… and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.”

From the LOSS foundation (https://thelossfoundation.org/grief-comes-in-waves/).

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. Unknown

And so, I will press on. Taking comfort in my dad’s life being well lived and the hope that I may one day see him again in heaven.

and the stars…

We’ve been studying creation in the sermons at church in a new series in Genesis. Through the six days of creation so much is created each day and a number of things have struck me as new.

Genesis 1:14-19 says, And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons, and for days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the earth.” And it was so. And God made the two great lights—the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night—and the stars. And God set them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the earth, to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.”

The sun and moon get a lot of the attention and detail and then almost as an afterthought Moses slips in, and the stars. It’s seems such a small mention of the stars in the creation story. And yet, the stars are incredible, amazing, astonishing, awe-inspiring, breathtaking, extraordinary, incredible, marvelous, sensational, spectacular, stunning, unbelievable and captivating to the point where we lie outside and look up and watch them. Looking up into the night sky on a clear night can be mesmerizing.

I follow NASA on Instagram. The pictures they post of the stars and space are astounding!! (I’ve used a couple in this blog). What the new space telescopes can now see is a game changer. To think that God created all those just for us to look at and discover.

Psalm 19:1 says, “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands”. This is one of the clearest biblical statements that nature itself is meant to show the greatness of God. These words are in the present tense. That is, the heavens “are declaring,” and the sky “is proclaiming” the creative work of God. It’s a continual display. What we see in nature is meant to constantly show us that God exists and tell us how amazing a Creator He truly is.

What other “mentions” of stars are in the Bible? Here are a few…

The Star of Bethlehem was a sign that the Jewish Messiah had arrived. Numbers 24:17, Matthew 2:2
The Three Wise Men followed the star to find Jesus in Bethlehem. Matthew 2:2
God created the stars, and established them in their place. Isaiah 40:26
God gave each star a name. Psalms 147:4
God promised to multiply Abraham’s descendants as many as the stars in the sky. Genesis 15:5 & 22:17
He counts the number of the stars; He gives names to all of them. Psalm 147:4
There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars; for star differs from star in glory. 1 Corinthians 15:41
He is the Maker of the Bear and Orion, the Pleiades and the constellations of the south. Job 9:9
You alone are the LORD. You made the heavens, even the highest heavens, and all their starry host, the earth and all that is on it, the seas and all that is in them. You give life to everything, and the multitudes of heaven worship you. Nehemiah 9:6

Thinking about God’s promise to Abraham, he could only see what was visible to him in the night sky, but God knew all that was out there and truly understood the promise of what he was telling Abraham. The technology that allow is to see farther and father into the universe and beyond continues to amaze. And God put it all there for us to discover and lead us to Him. There is no much more to consider than… and the stars!

How do you see Jesus?

At this time of year (Christmas/late December), we are easily reminded of Jesus’ birth as a miracle birth to a virgin girl in Bethlehem. Nativity scenes are set up in many houses around the world. When we sing certain songs in church, I get a mental picture of Jesus as a baby in the manger or high and lifted up in heaven at the right hand of God the Father, or on the cross or teaching the crowds or in a boat on a turbulent sea.

As a baby in the manger in Bethlehem, Luke 2:1-7
As a young boy at home with his parents when the magi arrive bringing gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Matt 1:1-12
As a 12 year old boy at the temple after going up with his parents, but staying behind. When they found him days later he said, didn’t you know I would be in my father’s house? Luke 2:52 says, “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man”. Luke 2:41-52
As a carpenter working in Joseph’s shop, starting as an apprentice and becoming a master of his craft.
When he was baptized in the Jordan river by John the Baptist
Being tempted by the devil in the desert, at the temple and on a very high mountain.
When he changed water into wine at the wedding feast at Cana in Galilee
As a prophet teaching in the countryside, telling stories and parables to educate the masses about the kingdom of God
As a healer and miracle worker
As God who spoke to the world into existence
As a man on trial by Herod, and the Jewish elite of his day
As a beaten and bloody man hanging on a cross being crucified by the Jews and Romans for our sins
As a man being laid in a tomb borrowed from Joseph of Arimathea
As a man resurrected; meeting people in locked rooms, on the road to Emmaus, in large groups, eating on the seashore with his disciples
As the son of God being rising up into heaven at the ascension
As the risen lord sitting at the right hand of God
As the only source of grace and unmerited favour by which we can be saved and forgiven of our sins.

So, how do you see Jesus?

World Adoption Day 2024

This year World Adoption Day was November 9, 2024. An annual day to shine a light on voices in the adoption community, and to share the stories of those who have been on the journey of adoption. A day to celebrate all the relationships in my adopted life. And a collective effort to raise awareness of the more than more than 100,000 children waiting to be adopted from foster care.

Naturally, as an adoptee I had NO idea what my birth mom went through when she gave me up for adoption. I only knew what my experience was, my feelings, my questions, my wonderings, and my internal struggle. Little did I know that she had a struggle of her own.

NOW, I have a new perspective thanks to Cathy, a DNA cousin. As a birth mother, she wrote a book about her search and journey to find the daughter she gave up for adoption. I have a very new appreciation for what my birth mom must have gone through. The heart ache and pain she would have endured. Did she get to hold me? Touch me? I do know that she named me. I was born Richard Bruce Osmond.

Check out Cathy’s book, Does She Think of Me. Here is an excerpt for her book.

“You’re not permitted to see your child at birth.” The nurse was cold and stern as she draped a curtain across the teenager’s midsection. The baby’s cries echoed off the cold operating room walls and boomeranged back to the girl’s shattered heart. Wiping the tears from her eyes she desperately clung to her baby’s fleeting shadow, cast upon the thin fabric that hung between them. An unplanned pregnancy at seventeen, and the feeling they had nowhere to turn, forced a young couple to make a decision they would regret for the rest of their lives. Although Cathy and Joey had their entire future planned to eternity, nothing could have prepared them for this fork in the road. One decision, either way, would change the course of their love forever. The pounding of her heart dances in rhythm to the methodical passing of time. How could nineteen painful years drag on like an eternity, yet suddenly fade in the blink of an eye? Anxiously waiting for the phone to ring Cathy accepts the unknown. Her future happiness depends on the questions she yearns to have answered. Did she make the right decision? Can her daughter forgive her?

Possibility Paralysis

When I first started my own business with Primerica, it was all new and exciting. I went on field training appointments, took some courses, wrote the provincial exams for both my life insurance and mutual fund licenses. The possibilities were endless, you might even say infinite.

Not everything went well or as I had expected it to go. I began to struggle with the belief of whether I could make it work or not. I was suffering from a mindset that didn’t allow me to accomplish what I wanted to do.

You might say I had “Possibility Paralysis“.

Changing my mindset has been a challenging process as I am going from an employee or employer mindset to the entrepreneurial mindset of a business owner.

Knowing the content of your character and the limitlessness of your potential can be hard when the world around you is filled with limiting beliefs and commonly accepted glass ceilings. I believe that most people have no idea what the opportunities that surround us are solely because they don’t have the ability to see them. The power of possibility is only as strong as an individuals ability to see that which currently is not. Mike Pirtle

Les Brown talked about “possibility blindness.” He described a condition many of us suffer from without even realizing it, a condition that blinds us to the potential within ourselves and the opportunities around us. Possibility blindness is when we are so fixated on the obstacles in our path that we fail to notice the opportunities around us. It’s the voice in our heads that whispers we’re not capable, the societal message that we’re too old, or the cultural implication that we’re not the “right” kind of person for success.

Dr. Deborah Gilboa writes, “We’re afraid of discomfort, most of us. Which makes sense – it’s very uncomfortable! Seriously, our brains are wired to shy away from that which makes us hurt, afraid, cold, sick, angry. What’s the harm in clinging to comfort? Well, I’ve talked some about the harm it is to our teams and our kids and our partners when we can’t risk, can’t let go. We model – and even idolize – safety over improvement. We’ve talked about how hard it is to reach a goal if comfort is our top priority.”

“Think of yourself as on the threshold of unparalleled success. A whole, clear, glorious life lies before you. Achieve! Achieve!” Andrew Carnegie

“Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must, but take the step.” Naeem Callaway

“You can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot choose both.” Tim Elmore

“Evaluate the people in your life; then promote, demote, or terminate. You’re the CEO of your life!” Tony Gaskins

James Clear writes, “I have had periods in my career when I have been sprinting full speed and accomplished a great deal and I have had seasons when I have been fairly lazy and coasted on my previous effort. What I have learned is that I am the major obstruction to getting results. Whether external conditions are favorable or unfavorable makes less difference than whether I am fully engaged and consistent. Even in competitive fields, the competition is primarily within yourself.”

Is your inner negativity committee holding a never-ending meeting in your head? It’s time to tell them to zip it and get out!

Two Pages Back

So many times, Jesus’ disciples didn’t get it. Too often, we don’t either. The disciples had been with Jesus for years and still struggled. They had seen Jesus do SO many extraordinary miracles, giving signs and wonders to the world. This came up in discussion at one of our small group meetings during our devotional time.

We may not see the same kind of miracles in our modern time, but God is no less faithful and wonderful. We have friends who are missionaries and they have seen funds come in for a project just in time when it was committed to months before. In our church small group, we have seen God’s faithful answers as we have prayed for others who were sick, injured, struggling or in need. How do we manage to forget so quickly the good things we have seen and experienced? In my own health journey I have seen many answers to prayer. So why do I hesitate to ask for prayer or to pray myself. Is it possible that I forget his faithful nature in between my own incidents?

In spite of seeing God work in our past, we tend to get anxious when we need to trust Him with our future. The disciples had the same problem. They seemed to lose track of what they had experienced. When it came to the feeding of the 4000 they forgot that Jesus had already fed 5000. And that was just two pages back (as we read it in our Bibles, I’m sure it was a few days between the events in their time).

In Mark 8:18-20 Jesus says, Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear? And do you not remember? When I broke the five loaves for the five thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?” They said to him, “Twelve.” “And the seven for the four thousand, how many baskets full of broken pieces did you take up?” And they said to him, “Seven.”

When will we learn to trust and depend on God when we know he showed us his faithfulness just two pages back.

Jesus is of course referring to the feeding of the 5000 and the 4000. All the gospels record the feeding of the 5000 (Matthew 14:13-21; Mark 6:30-44; Luke 9:10-17; John 6:1-15), but only Matthew and Mark record the feeding of the 4000 (Matthew 15:32-39; Mark 8:1-10).

When you’re struggling with some new experience, trial, test or circumstance and you’re unsure of the outcome, remember that God was there for you in the past, just two pages back.

If you’re interested in comparing the two events, read this article: https://bibleask.org/was-the-feeding-of-the-4000-and-5000-separate-events/.

60 and Butter Tarts

60!! It’s just a number right? 40 and 50 didn’t really have any effect on me. Sixty feels different. My 60th birthday is April 11, 2023. Next week I become a sexagenarian. I am planning to go for a steak dinner with Elaine that night. My family is coming to celebrate with me on April 23rd.

I’m expecting some gifts for my birthday, but one I have been waiting about 30 years for, is my 60 butter tarts. Back when my dad turned 60 that’s what Elaine gave him. Naturally I wanted the same, but I had to wait. Today is that day and I can hardly wait to delve into them with a nice black coffee.

Maybe my feelings are because there is much more life behind me than in front of me. Maybe it’s because in the last few years my health issues have increased and it seems that it will only increase over the coming decades (After all, I’m not planning to die any time soon). Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like a senior. It feels weird even saying it. Maybe it’s because I’m on a journey to change careers when I thought I would be working in Christian camping my whole life. That part of my dream job ended 18 months ago. Today I am working as GM for Unitas Community and Support Services. I am also an independent rep for Primerica Financial Services Canada.

60 has also brought with it a view that there is an end looming (though not too soon, I hope). Strangely perhaps, I have written notes for both my obituary and my funeral. Naturally, my obituary is written so all my genealogy focused relatives will know just what they need to know. And my funeral, well it’s just ideas for Elaine and the girls as it won’t really matter to me.

Its the start of a new decade in life. Maybe that’s part of the problem. It’s strange being the same age as “old” people. Though my beard is getting whiter by the year. And I did enjoy a nice discount for the Fergus Scottish Festival this summer. I reckon that’s a perk.

60 is also a good time to look back, remember and be thankful. I have had opportunities to influence 1000’s of staff, campers, teachers, youth leaders and more in my life so far. I am very thankful for my family, friends, friends who are like family and my experiences. Each has made me into the me I am today.

After all, I’m entering be entering the “first senior decade”. Age is just a number or at least that’s what we tell ourselves. My number happens to be 60. Onto the next decade and bring on more discounts!

Learning to Live with My MS

This will come as news to some that I have been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). To be honest, I’m still adjusting to this new change in my health. It brought up so many feelings (yes, I have them).

In November, I went to see my neurologist and from the last MRI of my back, they found lesions at C2 and T4 on my spinal cord. The lesions lead to a 95% diagnosis of MS. The two brain MRIs were normal (I’m sure some of you are chuckling). On Friday, November 25th I had a lumbar puncture to check the spinal/cerebral fluid as the last test to confirm MS. They did more blood tests, one of which goes to BC. And I have a nerve conduction test in January. More results yet to come. It’s likely I will be put on treatment for the MS, but a mild one. I confess, I had a hard time keeping my emotions in check when she gave me the news. Elaine is taking it all better than I am.

New year: I went back to the neurologist on January 3rd. She confirmed that I have the MS antibodies in my cerebral spinal fluid. One of the blood tests I had in December was for an aggressive form of MS with a really long name. I don’t have that, so I don’t have to remember the name. The testing also involved three MRIs and other many blood tests.

On the positive side, she doesn’t have any concerns with my brain and I only have two lesions on my spinal cord. On the negative side, is my age and that I’m a man (both can lead to a more progressive MS). It seems my doctors were all trying to solve one symptom at a time. Then the second neurologist put it all together by seeing them all having one root cause.

I was offered four treatment options. The one I’m going with is an infusion called Ocrevus. It has a high efficacy rate (85-90%). I will go twice a year for a two hour infusion, done in Bracebridge. It’s crazy how expensive these treatments are ($50,000/year), but there is funding through the government. Treatment started this week once my vaccinations were up to date. This treatment may also reduce my current symptoms or possibly halt them where they’re at.

Having MS explains things like my double vision, loss of peripheral vision for a while, the numbness in my hands and feet, some bladder issues and likely some of the symptoms that I previously associated with my concussions like my foggy headedness. It’s also likely I have been dealing with this for 25-30 years without knowing that the symptoms were MS related.

Multiple sclerosis is an autoimmune disease which affects the central nervous system (directly affects the brain and spinal cord). A chronic and unpredictable condition, multiple sclerosis is marked by a variety of symptoms.

MS affects around 50,000 Canadians, and approximately 3 people are diagnosed with multiple sclerosis each day. Multiple sclerosis is the most prevalent neurological disease in young adults in Canada.

This year, for my 60th birthday, I will be doing a fundraiser for the MS Society of Canada. If you can donate, that would be great. You can so through the post on my Facebook page, www.facebook.com/MikeDGreenfield.

Pandemic Dreams

I’m sure it can’t just be me that is having way more dreams during the pandemic, and I still do. Many feel so real and vivid. The struggle is that they are very mixed up; different places I have worked, people I have worked with, friends from high school, college, various camps right up to the present.

I woke up one morning convinced that my daughter had come home in the middle of the night. It felt so real I went to check her bedroom. Turns out it was also Wednesday, not Sunday. Dreams often don’t make sense.

Often it’s people I haven’t seen in a while, or longer. And it usually leaves me lying awake after I get one of these vivid dreams. While I’m awake, it has become my habit to pray for the person who has been brought to my mind by the dream.

I wondered if it was just me. After asking some friends, I discovered it’s not just me, so I’m nit completely crazy. So I wanted to learn some more and find out the why behind the more vivid dreams. Here is part of what I discovered.

COVID has altered our dream worlds: how much we dream, how many of our dreams we remember and the nature of our dreams themselves. Although widespread changes in dreaming had been reported in the U.S. following extraordinary events such as the 9/11 attacks in 2001 and the 1989 San Francisco earthquake, a surge of this magnitude had never been documented. This upwelling of dreams is the first to occur globally and the first to happen in the era of social media, which makes dreams readily accessible for immediate study. As a dream “event,” the pandemic is unprecedented. *

One obvious explanation for the surge is that sleep patterns changed abruptly when lockdowns took effect. Stay-at-home orders, which removed long commutes to work, improved sleep for many people. Some 54 percent of people in Finland said they slept more after lockdown. Overall, time asleep in the U.S. increased almost 20 percent nationwide. *

* http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-covid-19-pandemic-is-changing-our-dreams/

Build for the Future

There is probably no better or more popular building toy than Lego. It doesn’t matter if you’re 5, 25, 45 or almost 60, almost everyone likes building with those little plastic blocks. And, it endures. The blocks I used as a kid are still in use today. Lego has longevity.

So does a person’s legacy.

Legacy is something I have been thinking about more as I get older (note I didn’t say old). What am I leaving behind that will outlast me? Who have I influenced that will carry on my work or be motivated to start their own good works? What will I be remembered for?

“Let us build for the years we shall not see.” Thomas Walker (missionary with Amy Carmichael in India).

Now that I am no longer working at Christian summer camps, I think my legacy will the impact of showing the way to so many staff, campers, co-workers and partners over the 42 years I worked at camps. I have certainly lost count of the number of staff and campers, not to mention retreat groups and leaders that I have been able to influence in some way.

I don’t think that I will see or know the results this side of heaven. I have had the privilege of seeing glimpses into the journey of other people I influenced who have gone on to influence others. And I believe that those others have gone on to influence more and so on. For so much of my life I have been building future leaders and building for eternity in the Kingdom of God.

My journey and my work are different now. I work remotely with a security guard and support company. And, in my other work, I help families get the right financial services they need. These are my new areas of influence. I need to do the best I can with the new tasks that God has given me.

“There is no greater joy, nor greater reward than to make a fundamental difference in someone’s life.” Mary Rose McGeady

What will your legacy be? What are the building blocks you are using? Who will you influence next?